Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Kicking Demon-Butt for JESUS!

I can think of several things that are sure to make money in America:
  • Jesus
  • Crosses
  • Fighting skills
  • Demons
  • Attractive young women
But when you put them all together, you have the sure-fire, money-making combination of these young demon-fighters from Arizona!  In my best Michael Buffer voice - ahem...

"Ladies and gentlemen, raise your crosses as I introduce you to...  Brynne Larson...  Tess Scherkenback... and Savannah Scherkenback... LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!":

(image from the BBC article by Lucy Wallis)
I kid you not, these "freedom fighting teenagers" advertise the ability to exorcise demons and return those various maligned spirits straight back to Hell where they belong.  (I use quotes for the word teenagers since one of them - Savannah - is listed as being 21.)

It will come as no surprise to any legitimate, practicing Exorcist that the ass-kicking apple doesn't fall far from the tree with at least one of these three.  Sure, all three of them can already defend themselves, and others, by being black-belts in Karate.  But since most of us are not practicing Exorcists, you should know that the skills needed to combat demons doesn't come from Karate training.  No sir.  For exorcisms you see, you need a bona fide holy man, which they just so happen to have in Brynne's father, Reverend Bob Larson.  This modern religious hero and conqueror of rogue phantoms claims to have performed over 15,000 exorcisms himself.  15,000!!!  That's a lot of vanquished imps and succubi, my friends!

The services that these three are offering to mankind are not being performed just to make money.  Heavens no!  That is just ludicrous according to Reverend Larson.  He doesn't expect money for exorcising the unclean; but then again, these special skills do come at a price:
"He [Reverend Larson] asks for a voluntary donation of a couple of hundred dollars or pounds when he and the girls perform a one-to-one exorcism, and rejects the idea that spiritual services have to be free of charge."
I don't know where to stop laughing at these three and their silly parents.  But then again, I don't know what's worse; the fact that these families are outright lying just to put on some sort of sick religious theater or the fact that there are people that actually believe this nonsense.

They even go so far as to assert that the Harry Potter series actually has real spells from witchcraft books.  Of course, none of them bother to tell us how they know all of this.  They don't even bother to tell us which Harry Potter book they are referring to, nor do they give us the title of the specific witchcraft book where we can find these spells, nor do they explain how it was that J.K. Rowling sneaked all that evil past her publisher.  But who cares!  As long as people know the truth!  From the article, young Tess explains:
"The spells and things that you're reading in the Harry Potter books, those aren't just something that are made up, those are actual spells. Those are things that came from witchcraft books."
Yes, of course!  Because these young Christians are just trying to educate the ignorant masses, not trying at all to make a few extra dollars/pounds off of THAT money tree.  Am I right?

Harry Potter aside, the common theme to most of these young "Crusaders for Christ", or "Exorcism by Mortal Kombat", is to pull on the nostalgic strings of older generations.  Many older people wouldn't admit it, but they have nothing but contempt for most young people; consistently blaming younger generations for anything from rampant sex and immorality, to corruption and narcissism.  (I attribute it to some form of jealousy or regret for bygone opportunities, but I could be wrong.)  Thus, when they read stories about teenagers like these three, it sets off some fictitious memory of their younger, more idealized selves... and it makes them the perfect prospects to be played for fools.

Which means that these three are nothing more than showgirls, pandering to the incessant need for older people to feel superior.  And that cultural phenomenon is why these girls are not laughed off the stage.  For proof, one need only to read what is my favorite quote from the article:
"We think it's OK to train teenagers to get drunk and have sex, but to do moral things for God, oh let's not train them to do that," says [Reverend] Larson.
I see.  So that's what's going on with the crazy kids these days!  All this time, parents have been training their teens to break the law and sex each other up!  Why, all they need is to be trained to fight demons!

Now, I no longer live in Arizona, so someone that still lives there will have to explain to me exactly what the devil those people are teaching their kids in that state (pardon the pun).  I never thought I'd say this, but boy am I glad my wife and I moved our family to Texas.

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