Friday, March 9, 2012

Swear Off Porn if You're GOP

It seems that the good people of the Laurens County Republican Party in South Carolina are making candidates sign a multifarious and elaborate pledge before they are allowed on the ballot.  I think I'm starting to see a trend, because for some reason religious conservatives just love the idea of signing meaningless, unverifiable pledges.  And the creepy part of these pledges is that religious conservatives always seem to go out of their way to include tidbits about everyone's naughty bits.  Before we go straight to the sex, let's have some good, old fashioned Republican foreplay:
"You must uphold the right to have guns, all kinds of guns."
GUNS!  'MERICA!  HELL YEAH!  Wow!  Was there ever a better way to start a pledge?  If I was a Southern GOP candidate, boy would I be stoked; pumped; fired up!  And am I glad they included the gun rights issue right from the beginning, because 'MERICANS don't have near enough guns!

Is your conservative disposition fully engorged?  Let's get to it, then:
"You must favor, and live up to, abstinence before marriage.
You must be faithful to your spouse. Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender, and you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.
You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography."
Well. . .  phooey.  No sex outside of marriage, no gay sex, and no self-sex.  Got it?  That's a lot to live up to.  (I'm looking at you, Gingrich.)

Unbelievable!  When these new age inquisitors sat down to draw up a pledge for the GOP candidates, these were the most important issues that they could come up with?  And what is it with these crazed people and controlling what other people do with their bodies?  Give me a break...  Plus, my bet is that, most, if not all, of these disturbed individuals will fail on point one.  And given enough time, they'll surely fail on point two.  If we are to judge by some studies on extramarital sex and pornography use, I'd say I'm making a safe bet.

If you took the time to follow some of the other links in the article above, you might notice that the Laurens County GOP resolution also contains even more interesting little nuggets that will likely raise a proverbial red flag.  I know it did for me.  Think about it, doesn't this pledge sound a bit like a modern version of the standard Southern Baptist Deacon pledge?  Honestly, modernize 1 Timothy 3, and I don't think it's much of a stretch to think that this GOP pledge would fit right in.

The chilling thought for me is, if this is a sign of how far the GOP is willing to be overwhelmed by the Christian right, how far will they be able to push their theology into the politics of the United States?

My religious conspiracy theories aside, Mr. Dick Harpootlian, the South Carolina Democratic Party Chariman, released a statement that not only qualifies as a slap in the face of the South Carolina GOP, but also borders on political perfection.  He wrote:
"The Laurens County Republican Party is requiring a written pledge by all candidates for state and local office swearing off porn and sex. This requirement is being endorsed by Republican Party Chairman Chad Connelly explaining they were all 'wearing the same uniform.' 
Since it is apparent porn and sex must be a big enough problem in the Republican Party to warrant a written pledge to avoid them, I would be very cautious about getting into a small space like a bathroom or a voting booth with a Republican.
With this state facing huge economic, employment and educational issues the state Republican Party is following the lead of Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum and are more worried about what goes on in the bedroom than the classroom."
Nice.  As good as this statement was, I have but one thing to add.  Being that this is the GOP we're talking about here, there's something that Mr. Harpootlian desperately needs to clarify with his statement.  Is he warning the women of the United States about the predominately white, male members of the Republican Party... or the men?

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