Friday, December 9, 2011

Catholic League begins "Adopt an Atheist" Campaign

I found out that the Catholic League has announced a new campaign on their website called, "Adopt an Atheist." How admirable of them to sacrifice their time to reconvert the lost souls...  Since I'm one of the lost, I suppose I should ready myself for my new family.

Before I'm adopted by my local chapter, I'd like to know a few things first.  How much money do I have access to?  I'd prefer to be adopted by a wealthy, elderly person and immediately added to their will.  Second, I should disclose that personally, I abandoned the Baptist Church.  So am I already in hotter water for being a former Protestant?  This is important because I don't want to have to endure even more punishment than those who just abandoned the Catholic Church as an atheist.  Now that we have that out of the way, let's get to my questions.

What methods are they going to use to reconvert me?  This is extremely important due to recent history.  I'd rather not have to show my junk to a Priest, or have a Priest touching my junk in the name of the baby Jesus.  I've seen how some of your leaders make other people, especially young boys, show their love for the baby Jesus... and frankly, I'd rather not participate in that particular ritual.

What exactly is the motivation of this campaign?  If you're adding me to a wealthy family, fine.  If you're trying to find a means by which you can beat me into submission, then I want out.  There are no laws against punishing children, right?

Do I have to acknowledge transubstantiation?  I can't do that, no matter what Jesus said.  Yuck, that's just gross.

How much of your Bible must I unlearn?  There are some things in there that are against the law in the United States, so we're going to have to get that cleared up before I get adopted.

In all seriousness, after I read the "Adopt" campaign news release, it seemed like a pathetic and childish attack directed toward David Silverman, president of American Atheists, rather than a genuine olive branch to the Atheist community.

Is that the extent of your creativity?  Silverman suggests that religious people talk to their family members about their atheism, and the Catholic League's response is straight from an elementary school playground.  Pathetic.


  1. This campaign cracks me up. Maybe if we all accept, we can overthrow the system from within? It's clear that most Christians have no idea what it actually means to be an atheist (we're not "angry at God"), so we could use their ignorance to our advantage--kind of like how the idea of God got planted into people's heads to start with.

  2. I'm game for being adopted, as long as my adopted family doesn't leave me in a room alone with a priest.

    Now that I think about it, I should be perfectly safe even if they did. I'm far too old to be attractive to Catholic leaders.