Friday, October 21, 2011

God House

In the spirit of Halloween, the members of the Trinity Church of Cedar Hill are up to their bloody, dislocated eyeballs with their 21st year of hosting Hell House.  If you haven't heard about the Southern Baptist twist on haunted houses, well you're in for a treat.  Just click and watch the high quality, professional, studio level preview on their website.  Seriously, that preview is very, very good.  If you're in the mood to stand in line and pay $10 bucks, then go see it.  (Isn't $10 bucks such a miniscule amount to ask when we're talking about your immortal soul?)

What you should notice first is the rating on this year's Hell House - the first of its kind.  This is also good, since anyone in their right mind would agree that these scenes are not for children.  Now don't make the mistake of assuming that since they have the rating, they enforce at the gate.  This is simply not the case.

Why would it be?  Because to these people, you can't save a child if you don't scare the "hell" out of him or her.  And boy are these people creative when it comes to scaring little children!  But, as much as I hate that these people let underage children into what I consider to be a situation that is well beyond their maturity level, I'll let the Metroplex Atheists fight them (which they are.)

No, this is about a fresh twist on these popular "Hell" houses.  My twist.

I say, let's start a, "God House" instead.  In God House, we'll start off with scenes of dehydrated, emaciated children begging for a sip of water or a tiny morsel of bread.  Then we can show bloody female and male circumcisions being performed - on newborns or on teens, doesn't matter.  Maybe move on to a staunchly religious man or woman coughing up blood in a hospital bed while they lay dying of cancer - and a Bible right there on their little night stand for effect.

We could even have scenes from the Bible!  Modernized scenes, mind you, so the audience can relate.

Have a group of kids getting mauled by two bears for calling a bald guy, "Chrome dome!"... guts and brains everywhere!  Show some soldiers following the will of god by slicing women and children open with their bayonets.  More guts!  Then have a group of Westboro Baptists stoning a man and woman for adultery, with little pieces of skull and brains in and about the audience.  Or maybe have Pat Robertson placing his son - kicking and screaming - on an altar to be sacrificed!  And the best one yet, assuming we could pull it off with current fire codes, a scene with some Southern Baptists throwing atheists into a pit of fire to watch them burn - biblical punishment for disbelief!

The list is endless!  We could run this for years on end...

At God House, we won't restrict ourselves to just focusing on the cliché of a few sinner's destinies.  Honestly, that's already been done more times than I can count.  BORING!

At God House, we won't need gunfire, razor blades, pipe bombs, or power cords to hang ourselves...  And we certainly don't need some shallow satanic character with a synthesized voice.  No sir!  Because who needs all those pitiful human weapons or uninspired characterizations when we're talking about the power of the Big Guy?  I mean, he can make people do anything in HIS name, right?

It's time we moved on from the amateurish crap that Lucifer seems to conjure up for people.  It's time we represent true professionalism this Halloween.  The Christian God is the one that's shown - over and over - that he is the true authority on making people suffer.

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